Back in August I wrote a small article called Hide and Seek, in that I said it’s okay to not be okay. Sometimes, that’s true. Sometimes we need to have a break down, we need to scream or cry it out, we need to hide away. It’s okay.
It became an everyday thing for me.
During my pregnancy with my son, Rykar, I felt myself starting to become depressed. I’ve struggled with depression before but this time I ignored it because I was pregnant, I’m supposed to be happy during this time right?
After he was born and even now, my doctor will test me for postpartum depression, and I ignore it. I went to counseling, ended that because I just felt my counselor wasn’t right for me, too many things just kept going wrong. I told myself I can figure this out on my own.
Everyday, it was something. Every single day.
I’m too tired, overeating, I can’t stop crying, I’m so angry, I want to be alone. Sometimes, I felt like I needed to run away, I wanted to disappear.
I still told myself, it’s okay, tomorrow I will figure this out.
I love Halloween, and I mean love it. I decorate for Halloween in September, but this year it took a while. Mid October is when I finally got out my Halloween decorations and even then I knew I wasn’t into it. Caspar offered to take me to the Halloween store more than once, I denied his offer each time. It was then when I thought maybe I should try talking to someone again.
My new counselor, I’m thankful for. I’ve only gone twice to be honest, but those two hours meant a lot. I am still too tired, my eating habits are all over the place, I still wake up angry or hopeless. Things are not better but I’m finally trying. I pushed myself to take the first step to talk to someone because I know I need it. Sometimes, it’s not okay to not be okay. Especially if you keep ignoring it like I have, hoping that one day it will just change on it’s own.
Just keep trying. It’s okay to ask for help. And if you have negative people in your life, like I do, who think counseling is a waste of time tell them to ‘eff off because this is for you, not them.