My family just recently drove down to Florida, it was for my younger sister’s 18th birthday and we all went to Disney. Before we left, my counselor wanted me to write down what I think of myself, mainly what I don’t like. I know, it sounds crazy right? What type of therapy makes you think about things you hate about yourself? She also said, try to think of ways to change how I feel about the things on my list and after my vacation we will work on my list together. I decided I would try this, it is a very long drive from Michigan to Florida so I would have plenty of time.

Well, I completely forgot to write this list during our drive. It was raining hard most of our drive and although I love the rain, I was worried we’d get in an accident. On Monday, I wrote out my list to give her on Tuesday. I left out all physical things I dislike like my weight, my nose, my acne, I went a different route.

  • Lazy/unmotivated
  • No confidence
  • I don’t stand up for myself
  • I make excuses for everything
  • I’m a lazy mom
  • I don’t care about my health
  • I get jealous and embarrassed easily
  • I give up on things fast
  • I let my temper get out of control
  • I complain a lot without trying to fix anything
  • I’m unsure of a lot of things I want
  • I’m indecisive

Overall, I just feel like a lazy person. It’s why I left out my physical dislikes because those can be changed, I’m just too lazy to do it leaving me to complain and continue to do nothing about it. I honestly wish I could lay in bed all day because I don’t want to do anything, not even things that interest me. When I looked over my list I realized my lack of motivation is a cause for most of these.

I wouldn’t call it gaining motivation but my list of dislikes made me want to create a list of goals. It’s not a long list, I wrote down five things and told myself once I start crossing these off I will add more. I think having too many at once will overwhelm me and I’ll never work towards them.

My heath is a big one. I said I don’t care about health because well, I just don’t. It’s not that I keep pushing it back because I’m busy, I just don’t care. I should care though, I didn’t make caring a goal but I made visiting a doctor a goal. My counselor has said multiple time I need to get into a physician and each time I have said, “Yeah, I’ll get to it eventually.” I’m trying to make eventually sooner than later. I hope going to the doctor helps a lot, I blame my lack of motivation on having no energy. I’m always tired and I am sick of it. Yes, depression can cause lack of energy and motivation and cause me to not care about things but after looking at my family’s health history my counselor wants to rule out other heath issues that could cause these.

I know things won’t be fixed over night, how great would that be if they were right? My goals might take time for me to get through because I’m fighting with myself to get up to do things. I’m proud of myself for wanting to finally change things instead of looking at my list and thinking worse and worse things. I’m sure if I would have done that months ago I wouldn’t have had the same outcome that I do now.

~D