As a kid I was always switching around what I wanted to be when I grew up, as most kids do. I remember wanting to be a veterinarian, which I also think is pretty common for children. I still remember all of those career tests the schools made us take in fifth grade, seventh grade, and in eighth grade; because at that age is when you’re supposed to figure things out so you can start taking the classes you need in high school. It’s overwhelming. At 12 I decided I wanted to be a photographer, I wasn’t sure what type I just knew I wanted to take pictures. I stuck with it for few years; in high school I took website design, business classes, I was in Photoshop classes, journalism, worked on the newspaper and the yearbook, I was also in Photography Club. I was dead set on this becoming my career. I became more interested in taking pictures of musical artist, this was what I wanted.

I’m not sure what happened, when that stopped. I didn’t lose my interest but I did change my career path. Since then it has changed again and again. I just don’t know what I want to do. I’m 25, I’ll be 26 in March. I have time to decide on a job, this is what people tell me. I’ve met women who have changed their careers in their 50’s. So why do I feel like I need to do something now?

I don’t have the answer, my therapist didn’t exactly give me one either. She mentioned how I have a lot of skills, not to sound egotistical here, but I do. Which is great but also a problem because I don’t know how to keep a hobby, just a hobby. It’s overwhelming to be honest. Sometimes I have thought of photography again, I make many crafts and think about selling them, I make bath bombs so I have tried to sell those, I enjoy cooking and I have looked into everything I needed to do to own a food truck. Before my son was born I was working in a salon, and my house is full of books and I read daily, so I dream of having a career with books. I love my hobbies, that’s why I try to make a career out of them.

I have low confidence. Which is my problem. Well, one of them. I don’t think I’m good enough. I tell myself a lot of people are being nice when they say they’re enjoying my things. It’s almost funny because I know a lot of people who aren’t really nice, but for some reason this is stuck in my head. I enjoy drawing, I remember this one time I was showing a drawing to some friends and one of them said “I know someone who can do better.” We’re no longer friends but what he said to me has stayed with me; I let it stop me from doing a lot of things.

After realizing this I told myself there will always be someone who says this. Everyone has different skill sets and I need to stop letting what other people say stop me from everything I enjoy. It’s my new goal. I want to stop being so scared to share the things I can do even if I see so many more people doing the same thing.

I write stories, I’ve been doing this for years and I have thrown out a story I was working on because Caspar took it and started to read it. I didn’t want to share because I was worried no one other than me wouldn’t like it. I’ve read plenty of books I didn’t like and that hasn’t stopped any of those authors from continuing to write. I have read books by authors that I have loved and then hated another by them.

So I have decided I’m finally going to share one with people. Not right now, but soon. By my birthday I plan to have my first short story to share with my friends. I now know that I am the one holding myself back and I am wanting change.

~D