I have no advice, no “it’s okay because I do it too” talk today. Maybe I want to blame it on my depression or I’m just writing because I need to get it out.

I am a stay at home mom, Caspar works two jobs because he’s trying to catch up and bring our savings back up from when he wasn’t working. Which was quite a bit of time if I’m going to be honest here. I have offered to work, I call myself lazy a lot, but I have no problem going back to work. He tells me that he doesn’t want me to. Which I am fine with. We both believe it’s really beneficial to our kids if I’m not working. I missed out on a lot when Azalea was younger because I was working and also going to school for a short while. When I think back on it I don’t know how I was able to work part time at one job, part time at another, then go to school, and then come home at 10:00 and make dinner.

Since I’m not working I’m home with Rykar and for a bit it was great. I was so happy to be doing this and wanted to do this with more children. However, lately, I’m at my breaking point. I’m at my breaking point and I haven’t said a word to anyone.

I cry a lot. Rykar also cries a lot. I don’t know why, but he does and he screams a lot while crying. I’m trying to get him off the bottle, yeah, my two year old still drinks from a bottle. I already know I’m going to be judged big time for this post, bring it on. There’s nothing you can say that’s worse than what a mom with depression already tells herself.

Anyway, he’s still drinking from a bottle. I had him close to off it before but Caspar kept giving him a bottle. He didn’t think Rykar was ready to be off it. I talked about this with Rykar’s doctor and she said to just keep trying, that he will forget. Well my child has yet to forget. I am able to keep him off it all day, he no longer naps now that he’s not getting a bottle. Once bed time comes he wants that bottle. This child shook his crib over and over, banged it into the wall, screaming, because he wanted a bottle.

I broke down and gave him that bottle.

I tried again and the same thing happened. So I gave him back the bottle. Currently he still only wants it for bed time. At least bed time isn’t making me pull my hair out anymore.

It’s not only the bottle that’s making him scream. When I won’t let him have the tablet, take things from his sister, won’t let him throw things, be mean to the cats; the list goes on.

I know, this is most likely the typical terrible two stage. It’s terribly on my last nerves. I am now to the point where if I force myself to get up at 6 am and one of the kids wakes up I’m angry for the rest of the day. Especially when they start screaming because I won’t let them eat candy or ice cream for breakfast. It’s hard to play a game with your kids when you’re mad because you don’t say a lot of nice things while you’re playing.

I’ve been crying to myself, thinking I should have never had kids because I am obviously not cut out to be a mom. For the longest time I wanted to become a foster parent. I’ve discussed this with Caspar, hoping to make it true within the next five years. I’ve now brushed that thought from my mind, if I can’t handle my own children, how will I be able to be there for these other kids? I told myself I can’t. So I cried some more. We have four basketball hoops, all different sizes, two outside and two inside. I guess we like basketball in our house; my kids yesterday were fighting over balls. I have about 10 different balls sitting in my basement. I don’t know why they couldn’t have grabbed different balls and went to different hoops but they needed to fight over them all. I wanted so bad to run away and never look back.

Sometimes I want to call someone to just come get these kids and get them away from me. I love my kids, I do. I just wish right now they would shut up and leave me alone. Shut up, that’s something I never wanted to say to my kids but I screamed it yesterday.

Right now as I’m writing this, I gave my kids the tablets and told them to watch tv for a bit. It’s quiet other than Baby Shark playing in the background. I’m tired.

Being a mom is hard.

Thanks for listening today.

~D